Self Doubt and The Character I Built To Hide It
I called her Rebella. She used to be my inner self. Back in Secondary School, i struggled with enough self doubt that i’m pretty sure it could fill a hot air balloon enough to make it lift off in the air.
Rebella was my model of who i wanted to be, who i aimed to be in the public eye. Rebella was like the supreme self confidence guru and she always aimed to please and comfort those who needed help. She gave people advice, she helped them feel accepted and like they could achieve everything.
She was me.
Despite everything, Rebella was my only escape from reality. Heck, on days were i felt at the lowest depth of the pool, i asked myself:
what would Rebella do? What would she say? Why are you feeling this way?
Because Rebella was my only way to channel how i really felt, on the days that felt like i couldn’t accomplish anything.
I built Rebella, and imagined her as a girl who plays by her own rules, had purple dip-dyed hair, had long skinny legs and wore whatever the hell she wanted, and looked amazing doing it. Because that’s how i saw the world, that’s how i saw the most perfect version of myself, that was who i wanted to be.
But it wasn’t real, and i knew that.
Yesterday i talked to my friend Charlie who told me about her struggles with her body image, and how she compares herself to others. She said that she felt that the people in her class were always staring at her, and felt very self conscious.
The thing is with this world, is that they are so many shapes, sizes and heights we can be, and everyone always compares themselves to those with the perfect body. The ‘perfect body’ kind of women envy those around them as they also feel self conscious. I feel like there is so much pressure into being a certain way that people start to lose hold of who they are.
I realised over time that , i may have curves, i may have spots, and i may have to wear glasses, but i am no different to any other person, because we all have these anxious thoughts. It’s about accepting and not stereotyping, and it’s about using that self doubt to reflect on who we are, and to be proud of that no matter how you look on the outside, but who you are as a person.
A quote that would go well with this is:
in the end, people will judge you anyway. Don’t live your life impressing others, live your life impressing yourself.
If you want more inspiration like this, feel free to visit my pinterest board.
‘til next time,
Love Meg x